What's going on with me??? I cried today after my afternoon class. Just a couple tears. I haven't cried since...AWH days...I think. I just felt so blahhhhhhhhhhhhh I guess. I don't have any other word for it. I feel like crying again. There is no reason to be sad. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed and realize this semester isn't going so well. Also, we did this fishbowl thing in class today and I felt trapped. People were all around me and I couldn't even participate because I was freaking out. I didn't want to say anything though and make a scene. As soon as she said we were done I got my ass out of that room in a hurry. I almost ran to my car and then broke down. Not to mention she announced to the class I was the only one that didn't participate. Give me some fucking space then. Goddddddddddd.
I had a therapy appointment this morning. It went well. I'm supposed to do the opposite of what I want to do. It sounded like a good idea but it's not working so well. It worked for class but now I regret it. I wanted to skip class today but I went. I just feel so moody ..emotional...WHAT THE HELL?!?!
All I can think about is food. I didn't eat as much today thank God. But now that I'm bored and trying to procrastinate studying for my midterm exam tomorrrow I just want to eat more. I'm not letting myself. I'll probably mix a few drinks as usual then take some ambien. My roommate is home...locked in her room once again. I need to get out of here. Maybe I'll just move home. Who knows. Happy fucking Monday.
st_oryofmylife
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st_oryofmylife- October 12th, 2009
bitchy
- Bad Idea
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- st_oryofmylife
- October 11th, 2009
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I'm new at this blogging thing. I'm already regretting it. What's the point if I'm not going to be 100% real because I'm afraid of who might stumble across this. Maybe I'll try something different for once. Just dive right in. Take a chance. What's the worse that will happen? Maybe get thrown into a padded room with a straight jacket haha...maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Well, here I go...
What have I been up to lately? School. Trying to get some of my shit done so I can graduate in December. I had a midterm last week and one this week. I'm also taking the dreaded GRE on Friday this week. I should probably study for that...oops. I got all of my letter of recommendation stuff into my professors this past week as well. Now I just need to work on assistantships and applications. Oh and I got my resume critiqued on Friday so I have to get that together for Wednesday's career fair. I'm doing all this stuff but I don't want to do any of it. I have a hard time even leaving my house.
I don't want to be seen. I want to be invisible. Avoiding this topic just isn't going to happen. I was starting to be OK with my body after I left the Anna Westin House. I was excited to get back to exercising and I was going to try my hardest to stay on the meal plan. I guess a part of me kind of knew I wasn't getting enough food though. I was sometimes honest about my hunger but the last thing I wanted was for my mealplan to go up. So of course I get home and eat eat eat. I never know when to stop. I haven't seen a dietitian since I left the house and that doesn't help either. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. I just want to scream! I can't believe I let myself get this way. I keep telling myself that I'm going to start a diet tomorrow. It never happens. Enough of this. It's too depessing.
From one addiction to the next. I'm running in circles. I feel so sick. This needs to stop. I want to be healthy. To take care of myself. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my boyfriend again. I let him into this part of my life a very very very little bit. I feel horrible for what I put him through every day. One second I'm okay with being close to him and another second I I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack if I'm near anyone. I try my best to hide it and just suck it up but he can tell. He sees me as "distant" during those times. I try to explain to him that it's not him...it's ME!! I hope he believes me. I don't know any other way to explain it. Why am I like this??
